And the rains came down and the floods came up...

This week has been a doozy for me, personally. Probably for my family, too, because they have had to endure my rollercoaster of emotions. Oh, well...it's good for them :).

So, on Monday, I was innocently trying to find a box to send some stuff to Derrek and came across three "M" rated video games that are not allowed in our house...and found out later that Alec and Calvin had bought them. Alec just turned 17 and has decided to use that freedom of age and buy these games that he "doesn't see anything wrong with them" and bring them into our home even though he knows how we feel about them. Then I found out that they played them with Dallen and Ashton. This was their argument that it created brotherly bond (or fear in Dallen and Ashton if they told on them!). It's been interesting because for the past two weeks or so, Scott and I have almost been at our wits-end with Calvin and Alec. They had become more disrespectful, fought more with each other and their brothers, carried this aire of arrogance and entitlement that I could not for the life of me figure out where this was coming from. Scott and I have had many talks over the past couple weeks trying to come up with a plan on what to do about them acting this way because it was changing our house in a way I had worked SO hard to create the opposite. Since finding these games and taking them away and having a candid talk with Alec and Calvin (I didn't confront them at first about the games. I just put a note where I found the games and told them how sad I was and how I cannot go back and allow those games and that I would like to talk about it with them...they texted me the next day at school and said they wanted to talk...I listened/cried and that's all I could do. They understood and later Calvin came to me and appologized. Alec, in his own way realized those games aren't worth the fight.), our home has become the place that it had been before. Calvin and Alec are more helpful and kind to Scott and me and also to Dallen and Ashton. No one can tell me that these games don't make a difference. They do, especially when they have to sneak them...I think it creates a worse atmosphere.

The next day, there was a high and a low. Jennie and Wes had their baby...little ADA RUTH (the high!). She is so chunky and cute. They were so sweet with her, and as first time parents are...can only put a smile on your face. It was very tender. After leaving the hospital that night, I found out that I didn't get my job after all (the low). I was devistated and frustrated because we desperately need the money and I couldn't understand why the Lord wouldn't allow this righteous desire. It's been a weird journey trying to find a job. Anyway, basically he went to fire the girl I was replacing, but instead decided to give her another chance. He said that if it still didn't work out, that I would be the first one he called, even though I would probably have a job already. I told him that I am getting ready to go on a cruise and that I wouldn't start searching until after then (I need a break!). So, who knows... Scott thinks that the girl will mess up between now and then and after we get back from Mexico, it will be the job I get. I just don't know anymore. I want to be hopeful because it really would be perfect (and since he can't fire this girl, I would be set for life with a job!), but I am exhausted on this rollercoaster. So, I bawled all day Wednesday (my poor family). I was just done with everything. I was tired of struggling financially, tired of trying to get my kids to want to do what is right because that seemed to not be working, and just tired of life. I was down in a hole and not wanting to get back up. That night I wasn't having good thoughts and so I put myself to bed by 7:30 pm. I knew that is just what I needed. Then I woke up the next day. I had decided that I can't go on like this...even though it is where I wanted to stay and the only way I know how to get rid of those feelings is to go serve someone else. Thank goodness Heidi needed some help. She graceously allowed me to come to her house and help her clean it while she did other things that she needed to get done. It was so refreshing and helped bring me out of the darkness I was feeling. The next day I was trying to figure out what I would do. I have to keep myself busy with something or I literally go crazy. It is really hard moving to a new place because in St. George, when things went wrong, I knew enough people and relatives that I could go and do things for them and get it all out of me. Here, I don't have that as readily.

So, Friday I was praying that the Lord would help me fill my day so that I wouldn't go back into my depression. I mentally still wanted to go there and felt like I was fighting with all my might. Then I got a phone call from a dear new friend here in Mesa. I am in love with this person. I cannot say enough good about her. It was, for me, an instant connection when we met the first week we were here. Anyway, her name is Anna Davies and has been fighting cancer for 10 years! Thoughts of her, actually helped bring me up out of my darkness on Thursday because I kept asking myself, "why does she keep fighting so hard, when I just want to give up?". She just started Chemo Thursday morning. It is the highest dose that they can give a person and most agressive also. I know this is one of the hardest things she is going to have to go through. Anyway, she called me and asked if I would come help her do laundry and iron clothes so that her husband could have a little break from all he's had to take on because she can't do anything right now. I felt so blessed and priveledged and told her that she was truly an answer to my prayers that morning. I am not sure she believed me, but that's ok...I know :). I love being around her so much that I ended up staying and chatting for 5 hours! It filled my day and made my day.

Yesterday, I started to go back into my doom and gloom (my poor family). I just can't see how this is going to work and that frustrates me. It's not a lack of faith. I have that...it's just what is my part in all this? What am I not seeing?!? So, I did good most of the day, and then right before Women's broadcast, I got in a fight with Scott. He couldn't answer my questions and I was mad. Then I went to Relief Society Broadcast, and President Uchtdorf's talk was, I feel, just for me (and then I realized that there must be others struggling just like me). Anyway, it was really good and talked about 5 things that we should not forget. So, that is my new goal...to absorb what he talked about. Here's a little bit of it: http://lds.org/pages/general-rs-meeting-2011?lang=eng. I am hoping this week is better. Tomorrow is my birthday, and so, that will be a given for a good day :). I just have to keep trusting that God knows me and all that are required for me and my family. It's just hard some days, especially when you were just sure that this was the answer to solve some of the problems. Oh well...life does go on.